How to stay alcohol-free when your partner still drinks
How to Stay Alcohol-Free When Your Partner Still Drinks
When I told my husband of 31 years that I was joining a group coaching program to help me stop drinking, his response was exactly what I expected.
"What for? You're not an alcoholic."
Then he added, "I'm happy for you, and I’ll support you in any way, but don’t ask me to stop drinking for you."
I had used this as an excuse for years: I won’t be able to stop drinking if my husband still drinks. That belief kept me stuck, longing for a life I desperately wanted but felt out of reach.
Fast forward two years. I found the answers I was searching for, became alcohol-free, and am now an alcohol-free coach. And yes—my husband still drinks. But his relationship with alcohol has changed. His growing self-awareness has led him to drink less, not because I forced him, but because he chose to.
This post is for anyone feeling stuck, thinking they can’t stop drinking because their partner won’t quit too. I won’t sugarcoat it—navigating this path while living with someone who still drinks is challenging. But it is possible.
Taking Full Ownership of Your Journey
Your decision to go alcohol-free is yours alone. No one is going to change for you—you have to commit to yourself. Your partner must choose their own path, just as you are choosing yours. However, you can influence them—not with pressure or persuasion, but by living your truth.
1. Boundaries: Protecting Your Alcohol-Free Life
Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as the journey from “What will people think?” to “I am enough.” Those who set and respect boundaries lead more connected and compassionate lives.
Setting boundaries in your home and relationship is key. Your alcohol-free life is a priority, and you have the right to protect it. Be firm, be consistent, and communicate your boundaries clearly. Your list may evolve, but the goal remains the same—creating an environment that supports your decision.
Some of the boundaries I set early on:
No white wine in the house.
No "just one, it won’t hurt" comments.
If he wants alcohol, he buys it himself.
He still invites me out, but I decide if I’m ready.
We discuss an exit strategy before social events.
Boundaries don’t have to be restrictive; they’re about creating space where both partners can coexist, whether one drinks or not.
2. The Trail of Breadcrumbs: Influence Without Preaching
Instead of nagging or convincing, be the example. Leave "breadcrumbs" that show the benefits of an alcohol-free life. Let your partner see:
Your energy and vibrance after restful sleep.
Your increased motivation for exercise or new experiences.
The peace and clarity you now enjoy.
Your partner may start connecting the dots on their own. But if they never decide to stop drinking, that’s okay too. Their journey is their own. What matters is that you continue living the life you want.
3. Gratitude: Shifting Your Focus
If you only focus on what your partner isn’t doing, resentment builds. Instead, train yourself to see and appreciate the little things they are doing—whether for you, your family, or your home.
One simple practice that helped me was daily gratitude journaling. Each day, I’d write down three things I appreciated about my husband. This shift made me feel lighter, more connected, and deepened my love for him. Gratitude helps reframe your perspective, reducing resentment and increasing connection.
4. Managing Emotions: Staying Present Through Triggers
Alcohol cravings are often tied to emotions. If we don’t learn to recognize and process those emotions, we risk falling back into old patterns.
Ask yourself throughout the day: How am I feeling? Anxious? Tired? Stressed? Excited? If any of these emotions used to lead you to drink, prepare for them in advance.
Some tools that helped me:
A "toolbox" of coping strategies (deep breathing, meditation, or calling a friend).
Playing out the night ahead—what happens if I drink? What happens if I don’t?
Visualizing the next morning and the difference in how I will feel.
5. Finding New Adventures Together
Before quitting, most of our activities revolved around alcohol—except for breakfast! In my early alcohol-free days, I struggled with what to do with my husband that didn’t involve drinking.
So, we explored. We tried:
New restaurants that had great mocktails.
Outdoor activities like hiking and biking.
Movie nights, game nights, and even road trips.
Making new memories that don’t involve alcohol strengthens your bond and reminds you that connection is about more than just drinks.
6. Finding Your Community
Having support is essential. Find a space where you can openly talk about your struggles—whether it’s a coach, a support group, books, or podcasts focused on living alcohol-free.
Seeing others who are thriving without alcohol reminds you that you’re not alone and reinforces your commitment.
Final Thoughts
A relationship can work when one person drinks, and the other doesn’t.
It requires communication, respect, and a shared willingness to navigate change together. It won’t always be easy, and there will be moments when drinking seems like the easier option. But by staying focused on your why—whether it’s better health, quality sleep, more freedom, or simply being the best version of yourself—you’ll see that an alcohol-free life is worth it.
You can do this. And your partner? They’ll either walk beside you or watch in admiration as you rise into the life you were meant to live.